College Football 'Gifts': Nick Saban Gets a Time Machine, Lane Kiffin Scores a New Team

Every year before college football season starts, sports columnist Blake Toppmeyer gives out a special list of fake gifts to famous coaches, players, and people in the sport. The gifts are meant to be funny and are based on things happening in college football right now. This year's list includes big names like Nick Saban, Lane Kiffin, and Bill Belichick. The 'gifts' poke fun at each person in a lighthearted way, making it a fun tradition for fans to enjoy before the games begin.

Toppmeyer says he always feels generous around preseason time, so he puts together this list every year. He jokes that the only real winners during the offseason are lawyers, since so much happens in college football that keeps them busy. He also jokes that no one on his list has ever given him anything — except for good stories to write about. He calls that 'the greatest gift of all.'

Some of the most talked-about gifts go to the biggest names in the sport. Nick Saban, the legendary Alabama coach, gets a time machine. His gift comes with a catch — he can only bring one passenger, and that passenger is Dabo Swinney, the Clemson coach. The joke seems to play on the long rivalry between the two famous coaches.

Lane Kiffin, the Ole Miss coach known for his bold personality, gets the Cleveland Browns' practice squad as his new team. The Browns are known for struggling in the NFL, so this is a playful jab at Kiffin's coaching style. Bill Belichick, the famous NFL coach, gets free time to write his next book, since he is not coaching a team at the moment. These gifts show how humor can capture real situations in sports.

Paul Finebaum, a popular college football talk show host, gets a politics podcast 'for normies.' The word 'normies' means everyday, regular people who are not sports experts. This gift jokes that Finebaum talks so much about football that maybe he should try something completely different. It also pokes fun at how passionate and opinionated sports talk show hosts can be.

Some gifts are for fan bases and whole schools, not just coaches. Indiana fans get another Big Ten championship, Georgia fans get another SEC championship, and Notre Dame fans get a January trip to Las Vegas — a nod to a possible playoff game. These gifts hint at what each fan base is hoping for this season. It is a fun way to talk about each team's goals.

Other gifts are more personal jokes about coaches and their reputations. Brian Kelly gets an endorsement deal with U-Haul, the moving truck company, poking fun at his reputation for switching jobs. Kalen DeBoer, the new Alabama head coach replacing Saban, gets a cameo in the next 'Men in Black' movie — a funny way of saying he has enormous shoes to fill. These jokes show that even the biggest names in football are not safe from a little good-natured teasing.

Toppmeyer saved the last gift for himself: a fifth straight season of roach-free hotel rooms. It is a funny, self-deprecating way to end the list, poking fun at the tough travel life of a sports journalist. Overall, the list is a creative and humorous way to capture what is going on in college football right before the big season begins. Fans and coaches alike can enjoy the laughs before the real competition starts.