Afraid of Small Talk? Here's How to Make It Less Awkward

Walking into a party where you don't know anyone can feel really scary. For one writer in his 60s, that feeling had lasted his whole life. But recently, he decided to stop avoiding parties and start showing up — and he learned some useful tricks along the way.

The writer had been invited to a 'welcome back' party for two old friends. The problem was that his wife was out of town, and none of his other friends were going. That meant he would be surrounded by about 50 strangers for the whole night.

He almost made up an excuse to skip it. In the past, he would have said he was sick or too busy. But he had made a promise to himself to say yes to social events this year, even when it felt uncomfortable. He called it his 'Year of Living Socially.'

Before the party, he was reading a book called 'TALK: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves' by Alison Wood Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School. The book gave him an idea: plan a few topics to talk about before you arrive. Many people think planning what to say will make conversation feel fake, but the author calls that the 'Myth of Naturalness.'

The writer took her advice. That morning, he had seen something interesting at a shopping mall near his gym. On the first floor, a long line had formed outside a sneaker store called Snipes, and on the second floor, another line wrapped around the escalators for a new video game at Best Buy. He decided to use that as a conversation starter.

At the party, he introduced himself to a group and asked a simple question: 'When was the last time you waited in line for something?' People shared funny and meaningful stories about waiting in line for concerts, movies, food, and even to vote. Soon, people were calling their friends over to join the conversation.

So why do so many of us feel nervous talking to strangers? Research from Gillian Sandstrom at the University of Essex in the United Kingdom helps explain it. She found that people almost always underestimate how much the other person enjoys talking to them — an effect called the 'liking gap.'

The writer says that after seven weeks of making himself go to social events, he noticed something important. People are much more open to talking and connecting than we usually think. With a little preparation and some curiosity, small talk doesn't have to be so scary after all.